I’m tired of writing about my life, so I’m going to try my hand at some fiction. I woke up the other day with a title in my head that made me laugh out loud, and I decided it might make a nice serial for the blog when I have nothing else to write about. I apologize in advance to all the adults who are reading these stories. And before you ask, yes, I went to school for this.
Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage
Episode 1: The Taking of the Base
It was a crystal-clear morning and snow was on the ground and everywhere. Sergeant Hardy peered through his binoculars at the distant base. Three guards. All in jumpsuits. Hardy flashed Special Officer Beans the three sign. Beans loaded three bullets into his gun and took out all them guys, boom boom boom.
“All clear?” Beans asked.
“All clear.” Hardy confirmed.
“Check. Let’s move out.”
“No way, Beans,” Hardy said furiously. “That’s my call.”
“Sorry boss. Do you think we should move out?”
Hardy peered through his binoculars again. It looked like the coast was clear, but with this kind of coast, you could never really be sure.
“Yeah,” Hardy finally said through grizzled teeth. “I reckon we should.”
They had been on their way to brunch when they got word from the Commandant that Professor Blowjob was in the vicinity.
“There’s some shit going down, you guys,” the Commandant said. “We need him, now. But be careful out there. He’s got a base.”
“Yeah,” the Commandant said. “A few.”
“Of course,” the Commandant answered. “All that shit.”
“We’re on it, Chief,” Hardy answered. But in his heart, he knew he was getting too old for this kind of action. Hopefully I don’t die, he thought. Where would my wife go?
Flash forward to now, and Hardy and Beans had trudged through the snow and made it all the way to the root of the base. They climbed up a ladder and onto the platform that surrounded the building. Hardy pointed to the door. “In there,” he whispered. Beans nodded.
They got to the door but it was locked so they blew it up with explosives. Then they ran inside. Another door! They blew that one up too. Then they were in a room with a bunch of computers and a bunch more guards. Beans was quick on the trigger. He shot all of them, cracka cracka cracka, and then disabled the computer that was making the alarm go off. Good old Beans, thought Hardy. Always there in a pinch with a gun.
It wasn’t so long ago that Hardy thought he was done pulling missions. He’d spent half his life chasing Professor Blowjob from one crazy climate to the next. “That’s it, Chief,” he had told the Commandant, throwing his badge down on the Commandant’s desk. “I’m through.” The Commandant had taken the news well, all things considered. He hadn’t called Hardy for at least a year. But now the Professor was back, and no one knew how he thought better than Hardy. It had been a struggle; it always was. But the Commandant could sweet talk someone like no one’s business.
“Come on, Hardy,” he pleaded. “We need you.”
“All right, Chief,” Hardy relented. “I’ll do it. But I want a big fucking raise.”
“How does two hundred million sound?”
“That’s a lot of pesos, Chief,” he whistled.
“Well, it can all be yours,” the Commandant said. “If we lose Blowjob, we’ll lose a lot more than that.”
“You a God-fearing man, Hardy?”
“I’m a man-fearing man,” Hardy replied. “God’s the least of my troubles.”
Now they were standing outside another door. The placard on the door read “Professor Blojhabbi.” Everyone knew that was Professor Blowjob’s real name. Hardy looked at Beans.
“You want me to get the explosives, boss?” Beans asked.
“No way,” Hardy said. “I’m doing this one old school.”
Hardy took his Visa card out and fumbled around with the lock. It took like forever, but when he finally sprung the lock, the door opened with a satisfying swishity-swosh.
They walked into the door and peered inside. More computers, expensive-looking ones. And there behind the most expensive-looking computer Hardy had ever seen was the Professor, a bespectacled man with big arms and a tie. The Professor looked up at them and smiled.
“You got me,” he said.
“You gave us a run for our money this time, Prof,” Hardy said. “Never a dull moment, huh?”
“No sir,” the Professor laughed. “In fact: look out for that spike!”
A spike came from the ceiling but Hardy’s reflexes were too catlike. He jumped out of the way and the spike went into the floor. Beans whistled. “That was a close one!”
“You still got it, Hardy,” the Professor laughed. “Now how about some brunch?”
Next episode: Better Homes and Bases