Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage
Episode 16: Blowjob Was Dead!
The Storm Fighters of Courage stared at the ceiling in awe. At this point in his presentation, Blowjob had projected a picture of the cosmos that no one had ever seen before. No one had ever seen it because it was a picture Blowjob took when he was dead. People die all the time, but no one usually thinks to take a camera.
“Dying is unlike anything I’d ever experienced before,” Blowjob said. He spoke slowly and quietly, because his story demanded extra gravitas. The other Storm Fighters understood and tried to breathe only when it was absolutely necessary.
“They say all that stuff about the light,” Blowjob said. “But I don’t think that’s accurate. When I died, I didn’t see a light. I saw darkness. And in the darkness was monsters.”
The Storm Fighters gasped, because the thought of death monsters is the scariest thought of them all.
“No, no,” Blowjob said. “Don’t be alarmed. The monsters were not scary. They were good monsters, fuzzy monsters. But still, I was scared.
“The first thing that happened was a monster reached out to me. At first, I rejected him. ‘No way, monster!’ I shouted, and punched him with my fist. But then he started crying and I felt bad. ‘I just want to be your friend,’ he cried, and I realized he was good and true. I told him that I had never encountered monsters before and all this was very strange to me. He said he understood and that he would probably punch a monster too if he saw one when he wasn’t expecting.
“I soon came to trust him and to look around at where I was. It was a very different place than I’d expected. Once my eyes became accustomed to the darkness, I realized that I was in a palace filled with dark fruits. I walked around a bit, just to make sure that I could. And once I figured out that much, I started to test the limits of what it means to be human.
“The first thing I did was try to walk up a wall. That was easy. So then I tried to flip myself horizontally. That was easy, too. So then I did everything that you ever wanted to do with your body. I laughed and laughed and my monster companion laughed too, because he had been watching dead people for eternity and was very happy every time one of them took full advantage of the situation.
“Eventually I realized that there was only so much one could do in a body in a place. So I asked the monster if I could be allowed a glimpse of whatever was outside of the place where we were. He was hesitant to show me because he thought it might blow my mind too much and I would have to spend the rest of eternity in a stupid state of mind. But then I showed him how awesome my brain was and he decided I could do anything I put my heart to.
“So he took me out into the universe outside of the place. At first, it was scary. But then I freed myself and I saw the entire cosmos, as it was. The cosmos are amazing; it’s like everything you thought could be but didn’t think could really be. All of that, was. And I sucked in a deep breath and let the universe surround me. And once everything had settled down and I saw what the universe had to offer, I finally understood what life is about and what we’re meant to do.”
The Storm Fighters of Courage stared at Professor Blowjob. They saw him in a new light, now that they knew how much he’d been through. Some of them were afraid to talk. The gravity of the moment seemed to demand silence. But finally one of them knew he had to ask. And that one of them was Beans.
“So what are we meant to do?” asked Beans.
Blowjob smiled wearily. “We’re meant to be true to ourselves,” he said. “And to always fight for the American way. That is what the universe told me, and that is what I have done ever since.”
All the Storm Fighters jumped to their feet and screamed about what a great story Blowjob had told them. Then they asked how he came back to life.
“It wasn’t a big deal,” Blowjob said. “The nuclear power that shocked me dead hit me again and shocked me back to life. The next day, Hardy and the rest of the Unbeatable Fight Masters came in to town and destroyed all of my bosses. They asked me if I would join them, and I did.
“But I always knew I was different. And so for the rest of my life, I ran from my destiny. I helped out with adventures, and then I would disappear. I would buy a new base where Hardy and the rest of the team couldn’t find me, and then I would wait for them to find me. It was a never-ending series of tricks, but now the tricks have come to an end. I am a Storm Fighter of Courage, through and through. And if you don’t believe me, you can go take an egg and suck it.”
The Storm Fighters of Courage clapped slowly, then faster and faster, until they were all clapping and cheering. Everyone cried a little bit because of how beautiful Blowjob’s story was. But they weren’t done. They needed more stories. And there were only two people left to tell them: John Nightnight and Beans.
“Let us have one final story before the night overtakes us,” proclaimed Hardy. “And let that story be about the least known member of the group: MC Beans!”
“What about John Nightnight?” Beans protested. “We haven’t heard about him yet.”
“I’m just some guy,” said Nightnight. “I want to hear your story!”
Everyone cheered until Beans couldn’t resist any longer. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll tell my story. But I warn you: it’s not very interesting.”
“One man’s interesting is another man’s go-fuck-yourself!” shouted Hardy. “Let’s get some Beans up in this piece!”
Everyone screamed and shouted until Beans was ready to deliver the goods.
Next episode: The Tale of Beans