Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage
Episode 17: The Tale of Beans
“Well, okay, um,” began Beans. He cleared his throat. “Well, I guess there’s not much to tell, really.”
“BOR-ING,” said Professor Blowjob.
“Will you shut up?” Lady Midnight asked. “I want to hear this. Go on, Beansie. We love you.”
“Well, okay,” Beans said. “Let’s see … I’m from Michigan. Flint originally … or, not really Flint, but a town near Flint, sort of a suburb of Flint … dad worked at the factory, mom was a teacher. I liked school okay, I guess, didn’t really love it. Did a lot of hunting and fishing, that was fun. Let’s see … oh! We moved when I was like twelve to Atlanta … that was all right. Left a lot of friends behind, but, you know, so it goes. Um … what else … made All-State Baseball my senior year … kidnapped by aliens … went to school at Penn State, I was in ROTC … then into the Army and, well, here I am, I guess. Boring old Beans.”
“What was that middle part?” John Nightnight asked.
“Moved to Atlanta?” Beans asked.
“No, the part after that. After baseball.”
“Kidnapped by aliens? Yeah, I guess it runs in the family. One of those things, you know.”
“Shut up, all of you!” shouted Blowjob, losing his patience. He turned to Beans. “You ignorant little prick,” he said firmly. “Here you are, wasting our time with your stupid personal bullshit, when the real story is staring you in the face all along! No one gives a shit that you played baseball! The part about the aliens, that’s the fucking tale! Where’d you learn to tell stories, at retard camp?”
“Geez,” Beans said. “You don’t have to get all bent out of shape about it.”
“I’m sorry, Beans,” Blowjob said. “It’s just that … fuck! How could anyone not recognize the aliens were the most interesting part?”
“Maybe I don’t have a giant brain like you,” Beans shouted. “Maybe I don’t need to whittle the events of my life down into neat little stories I can tell people to make myself feel interesting, you ever think about that? Jeez-o-peets, professor, from the moment I met you, you’ve been on my case! I try to be a good guy, I really do, it’s just … ” Beans started crying.
“Now look what you did!” Lady Midnight scolded Blowjob. “Why do you always have to go and screw everything up with your stupid head games?”
The rest of the Storm Fighters of Courage booed Blowjob so badly that he thought his head was going to explode.
“Boo yourselves!” Blowjob screamed. “Boo your goddamned selves!”
Then all was quiet, and Beans resumed his tale.
“Yeah, well, it’s sort of been happening ever since I was a little boy. Every couple of weeks, they just pick me up, you know, take a look at me, make sure I’m doing all right. They track me using this.”
He lifted his foot out of his slipper to reveal a giant, blue, electronic-looking thing embedded in his heel.
“I wouldn’t mind analyzing that back at my lab,” noted Professor Blowjob.
“Why don’t you analyze my dick in your face?” asked Beans.
“Ha ha,” everyone else said. “Good one, Beans! High five.” They high-fived him, and Beans knew he’d finally beaten Blowjob at his own game.
“So what are aliens like?” asked Lady Midnight.
“Oh, they’re good old boys,” said Beans. “They’ve got crab claws and faces that look like someone punched them in the diarrhea, but they’ve always been real nice to me. They’re always making sure I’ve got lots of snacks to eat and magazines to read while they’re examining me.”
“And what happens in these … exams?” asked Blowjob, suspiciously.
“Oh, the usual. They touch my privates, make me play secret games. That sort of stuff.”
“Are you sure you’re not just being molested?” asked Blowjob.
Beans thought long and hard.
“Nope,” he finally said. “Pretty sure that’s not it.”
A deathly silence fell over the camp. And then all the adventurers exploded into cheers and whistles. “Hooray for Beans!” they shouted. “His story is the best of them all!” Even Blowjob shed a tear at how wonderful a story it was.
Drunk and exhausted from their storytelling fun, the Storm Fighters of Courage settled down before the fire for a good night’s sleep. It would be the best night’s sleep many of them had ever had. Because even though they all knew they would probably die in that cave, they had finally found the family they had been searching for their entire lives. And also, they were very, very drunk.
Next Episode: Escape from the Cave Monster