Story of the Day: 5-13-11

Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 19: Inside the Crystal Palace

The Storm Fighters tumbled down, down, down, for what seemed like forever, and then they came to land on a soft plot of what felt like grass. They all jumped up and slapped high-five because they weren’t dead. Everyone except John Nightnight, who was dead.

Hardy wasn’t the kind of guy to mess around when one of his men was in trouble. He sank to his knees and started punching Nightnight in the chest in a highly medical fashion. “Wake up, you motherfucker!” he screamed. “You’re not gonna die on my watch, you hear me? Not here, not in a cave! Never again! Never … again!”

Hardy thought back to the last time he watched someone die in a cave. It was back in the days when he and Mark Hazzard used to pal around together, before they were ripped apart by Jacky Minx and Mark Hazzard’s insanity. They were leading a mission of guys in Portugal, looking for the lost dinosaur lake, when they fell into a big cave in the ground. Only one guy in the government knew they were on the mission and he didn’t even bother to look for them because he thought they were just kidding.

They explored that cave for 3 months, looking for an exit. It was Mark Hazzard, Sargent Hardy, John Nightnight, and another guy they used to roll with named The Night Hobo. They got dangerously skinny because all they had to eat was cave spiders and bat guano. Finally, the Night Hobo couldn’t take it anymore. He went crazy and tried to kill the rest of them with an icicle. They fought back, and a fierce battle lit up the cave. Everyone who lived in the cave came to watch — including a dragon. The dragon sprayed fire all over the place. Most of the adventurers managed to get out of the way of the fire — everyone except for the Night Hobo. He got burnt all over, but not enough to die … just enough to be really ugly and sound scary when he breathed.

The Night Hobo stayed alive for almost twelve days after that. It was gruesome to watch and awful to listen to. Finally, they found an exit to the cave. But as soon as the Night Hobo saw the light, his face exploded — it was too much for his brittle mind and fragile body to take. All that was left was a bunch of burnt body parts and a jawbone, which Sargent Hardy kept as a toothbrush holder in honor of his lost friend.

“I’ve already got a toothbrush holder, you bastard!” Hardy wailed, continuing to punch John Nightnight.

“Stop all that punching!” shouted Professor Blowjob. “I don’t think it’s working! But I have something that could work. I have a life computer that I kept secreted away in my pocket for just this instance! What you do is you put it on someone’s tongue, and it saves his life using data. But we can only use it once. So we need to decide between us if John Nightnight’s life is worth saving, or if we should hang on to the medical computer for another instance. Like if one of us dies instead.”

They all had to think long and hard about that one. Beans reminded his companions that John Nightnight hadn’t shared a tale with them the night before. They all agreed that wasn’t really the action of a team player. Lady Midnight noted that John Nightnight had once asked her to a pancake dinner in a very suggestive manner. They were all protective of Lady Midnight’s honor, so that was one more point against him.

Finally, though, it was up to Hardy to talk some sense into his team.

“You look like a bunch of damn apes,” Hardy growled, “the way you’re picking at those nits. This is our team member. He’s one of my oldest friends, and he would never hesitate to save your lives, even if it meant getting all of his clothes wet and garbage all over his face. If you don’t give him that life computer, Blowjob, then I don’t even know what for anymore. And that’s an order.”

The remaining Storm Fighters broke into tears at Hardy’s moving speech. They took a good, hard look at themselves inside and found their thoughts to be unclean. But after Hardy spoke to them with sense, they apologized and realized that they were all for one, and one for all. They agreed that John Nightnight was as important as any of them, even though he hadn’t shared a story and to everyone’s recollection he hadn’t been much help in any of their adventures to date.

Professor Blowjob put the life computer under Nightnight’s tongue and forced him to swallow it by moving his jaw up and down. There was a loud sound that was like a fart, and then Nightnight came back to life. Everyone applauded and clapped him on the back.

“Where am I?” Nightnight asked.

“That’s a good question,” Hardy said. “Where are we all?”

They finally looked around themselves and realized they were inside a crystal palace!

Next episode: More Information about the Crystal Palace


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