Story of the Day: 3-17-11

Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 15: The Tale of Professor Blowjob

Professor Blowjob stood up and moved to the center of the circle.

“You’re standing in the fire!” shouted Hardy.

Blowjob looked down at his pant legs. Fire was creeping up them. And that was when he felt the sting, like 10,000 hornets slapping him at once. He screamed and leapt out of the fire. Luckily, there was a spring right near the campsite. He jumped into the spring and his pants went out with a satisfying pfffssss.

“Phew!” Blowjob laughed, walking back up into the camp. “That was a close one!”

“And how,” said Beans. “If you had died, we never would have been able to hear your tale.”

“Too true, Beans,” said Blowjob. “For that is how death works. And now I would like to relate to you the tale of how I died, and saw the universe.”

“Ooooo,” they all said, because that had the makings of a very good tale indeed.

Professor Blowjob grabbed his tablet computer and set it close to the middle of the circle, but not so close that it would catch on fire. He pushed a button and the cosmos were displayed on the ceiling of the cave.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Blowjob said, “but while Midnight and Snog-Dog were telling their tales, I took the opportunity to design some multimedia content for my presentation.”

“No fair!” said Midnight. “You’re going to make my story look like an asshole!”

Everyone laughed, but they secretly knew Midnight was right. Blowjob had an irritating habit of making everyone around him look like they weren’t very smart or clever. He didn’t do it to be mean. He was just that fucking cool.

“The cosmos,” Blowjob began, “so infinite. So full of mystery. What is it, and how did it get that way? Nobody knows for sure. Except me. Because I have been there, all the way inside it and back again.”

The rest of the Storm Fighters of Courage settled in for what seemed like it would be a very long and heady presentation.

Professor Blowjob’s history with the Storm Fighters of Courage was not as neat as his CV suggested. He first encountered Hardy and the other members of the team in the ’80s when they were known as the Unbeatable Fight Masters. Back then, he was just a lowly clerk at a nuclear power plant in India. One day, while he was administering his clerking duties, he came across a fax that suggested the owners of the power plant were planning a nuclear assault on America. He didn’t have any love for America, but he knew if he disrupted the plans he might be able to rise above his lowly caste and become the kind of international thinker he always knew he could be.

His prayers were answered when he learned that the famous Sargent Hardy of the Unbeatable Fight Masters was coming to town to have sex with some prostitutes. He spent weeks learning about prostitutes and replicating their ways, and then he disguised himself as a prostitute and got a job at the Khalan Du Pussy Ranch where he knew Hardy would be staying.

The night that Hardy arrived Blowjob made himself extra-feminine by putting powders all over and shaving down anything nasty. Nervously, he waited in line as Hardy picked out the prostitutes he wanted. When Hardy looked over at Blowjob, Blowjob winked in a way that suggested he was ready for some very good action indeed. Maybe it was fate. Maybe it was something else. But whatever it was, Hardy whisked Blowjob away to the Muskrat Suite where he was determined to do some very beautiful lovemaking.

After they made love in a very dirty manner, Blowjob revealed that he was, in fact, a man. Hardy was upset at first but settled down after a nice cognac. That was when Blowjob learned that a good cognac can put any situation at ease, even when the situation is a man having sex with another man who he thought was a woman.

As soon as Hardy heard about the nuclear fiasco, he understood the necessity of Blowjob’s sexual subterfuge. Hardy decided to bring the rest of the Fight Masters into town and take the owners of the power plant apart bit by bloody bit. Then they made love again and Blowjob returned to the power plant to get everything ready for the big day when the Unbeatable Fight Masters would liberate him and the rest of the workers from the tyranny of unmitigated evil.

“Wait a minute!” shouted Hardy, back in the cave. “I know I had sex with you when you were a woman, but we didn’t do it a second time!”

“My mistake,” Blowjob said. He didn’t want to make Hardy look bad in front of the rest of the Storm Fighters, but in his heart he knew what had happened. He flipped past the picture in his presentation of he and Hardy making love, knowing that the emotions were too raw to be projected on the ceiling of a cave.

Back at the nuclear power plant, Blowjob got to work deciphering the codes the Americans would need to foil the evil plan. As he figured out the final code, however, a wave of nuclear power shot out of the centrifuge and killed him.

“And that was when I died,” Blowjob said gravely. The rest of the Storm Fighters hanged on his every work. Somebody burped, and everyone shushed that person.

Next episode: Blowjob Was Dead!


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Story of the Day: 3-16-11

Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 14: The Tale of Lady Midnight

“I believe I have a tale that may be of interest,” said Lady Midnight.

All the attention turned to Lady Midnight.

“Of all the Stom Fighters of Courage, perhaps your origins are the most secretive,” said Sargent Hardy. “So we are very intrigued to hear that you may have a good tale for us. So let us all sit back and listen to the tale of Lady Midnight!”

“Here, here!” said all the men, hoisting their flasks and toasting to their female companion. It was cold in the cave but the fire and the wine kept them warm.

Lady Midnight shivered a little in her skimpy bathing suit and pulled a bearskin rug tight around her supple flesh. The boys all noticed how sexy she looked but they knew to keep their distance. Even though they had desires like most men they respected Lady Midnight and would never do anything to make her uncomfortable. They never even mentioned the fact that she wore a skimpy bathing suit for her costume, because they didn’t want her to think they were ogling her. Mostly they just tried to avoid looking at her, which, ironically, encouraged Lady Midnight to wear more and more revealing outfits in an attempt to be noticed, which in turn led the boys to avoid looking at her even more.

But now was not the time to get into the group’s sexual dynamics. Now was the time for Lady Midnight to tell her tale. And tell she did, by talking it out loud to the people around her.

“The tale of me begins on a snowy Christmas Day in some backwater redneck town just off the coast of Arkansas. I had just settled down for my annual Christmas nap when a knock came on the door. I didn’t know it then, but that knock would change my life.”

Lady Midnight answered the door. Behind the door was a shadowy figure in a mysterious-looking cloak.

“Susan Pratt?” asked the shadowy figure in a growling voice.

“Yes,” Lady Midnight said. “That is my real name. What gives? It’s Christmas and I was just about to take a nap.”

“Maybe you should think twice about falling asleep,” the shadowy figure said. “Because you just won a million dollars!”

The figure emerged from the shadows and revealed himself to be Kit Jaguar, the famous host of the beloved game show Here Is Some Money!

“Kit Jaguar!” said Beans with admiration. “I had his posters all over my wall!”

“Me too!” said John Nightnight. “What’s he like in real life?”

“Oh, he’s dreamy,” said Lady Midnight. “After he gave me the check for a million dollars he sent his team away to take care of other kinds of business and we had a long conversation. I told him all about my dreams, and he taught me about how important Christmas was. Then we fell in love and made love all night. He told me he would hold me forever as we drifted off to sleep. The next morning, he was gone.”

When Lady Midnight awoke alone and $1 million richer, she knew that it was time to fulfill all her dreams. The first dream she had was to get silk sheets. So she bought them, and she slept so well she decided to pursue her other dreams. Her next dream was to become a demolitions expert. So she bought every book on demolitions and taught herself all there was to know about it. Finally, her dream was to go on a tropical vacation to a place where she could see monkeys. She bought a ticket and flew to a small jungle country called Paumapaupau.

It was in Paumapaupau that Lady Midnight first encountered Sargent Hardy. He was doing some reconnaissance at a local bar when she walked in in her bathing suit.

“Hoo-wee,” Hardy whistled. “You are a real peach.”

“Don’t get too close, smarty,” she said. “I know more about blowing things up than you could ever know.”

“Oh yeah?” Hardy asked. “Do you want a job?”

“Accepted,” Lady Midnight said.

And the rest was history. She changed her name to Lady Midnight and decided to wear bathing suits all the time to remind herself of the day she finally fulfilled her fondest dream of becoming a person who uses explosives for a living. She joined the Unbeatable Fight Masters and traveled the world, blowing up people and things and using her seductive powers to turn men into quivering jelly balls. As for monkeys? Yeah, she saw a few.

“Yeah!” all the guys shouted at once. “What a great tale! Boy, was that a great tale. And now we need yet another! Blowjob! It is your time! Tell us a tale, old Blowjob, about how you came to be!”

“Well, I’ll tell you,” Blowjob said, “but then I’ll have to kill you!”

“No!” they all screamed in horror. “Don’t kill us!”

“That’s a joke!” laughed Blowjob. “I’ll tell you in just a minute, after I finish my beer.”

They all smiled and had nice things to say to each other, especially about the fire and all the fun they were having.

Next episode: The Tale of Professor Blowjob

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Story of the Day: 3-15-11

Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 13: The Winner Is Revealed

Only one man remained standing at the end of the contest, and that man was: the mayor. Unbeknownst to the townspeople, the pie-eating contest had all been a ruse for the mayor to rid the town of fatties. The mayor hated fatties more than anything. And one thing he really wanted in life was to make sure his daughter never married a fatty and polluted his family bloodstream with fatty blood.

The mayor went to the local circus impresario, Bartholomew Buttery, and told him about his plan to have a pie-eating contest and put sleeping pills in the pies and then bundle all the fatties up while they were asleep and fly them to a whole new town. Buttery loved the plan because if all the fatties were gone from town then he could add a fatty tent to his circus and make a lot of money from people who wanted to see what a fatty looked like. He also liked that it promoted good physical fitness so maybe he could trick people into being in his circus for free. So he gave the mayor a bunch of money and said, “make it so.”

The mayor took all of Butterby’s money and made a bunch of ads about how good the pie-eating contest would be and built robot townspeople to get excited about the contest so that all the fatties would want to enter. As an extra bonus and trick he said the winner could marry his daughter, because if there was one thing he knew fatties didn’t like to do it was attract mates.

“But then along came you two jive motherfuckers,” the mayor said to Snog-Dog and Cunty Pickles. The two old rivals were sitting in the mayor’s underground bunker with him, recovering from all the sleeping pills they just ate. “You guys are so good at eating, that I knew immediately someone had discovered my trick and had sent you here as agents to make sure the fatties stayed in town.”

“What?” Snog-Dog asked. “I’m not an agent! I just wanted to win the contest and marry your daughter!”

“I’m not an agent, either,” said Cunty Pickles. “And I don’t even really care about your daughter. I just enjoy pie.”

“Silence!” screamed the mayor. He pulled up his pant leg and showed them a giant scar. “You see that?” he asked sneeringly. “That’s not a game. That’s real. And you just met your worst nightmare.”

The mayor leapt out of the room and pushed a button. The walls of the room began tightening up, about to crush Snog-Dog and his old rival.

“Well old buddy,” Snog-Dog said, “it looks like it’s curtains from here on out. It was a good run though, wasn’t it?”

“It was pretty good,” Cunty said. “I never wanted to kill you, you know.”

“Thanks, buddy,” said Snog-Dog. “You and me both.”

Just as they thought they were going to die, a spray of mucous came from over the wall and hit them. “Is that what I think it is?” Snog-Dog asked. He looked over, and yes! It was! There was Harry Trader, and he’d just slapped the mayor so hard with his mucous sack that the mayor tripped on the button and stopped the walls from crushing them! The mayor was out cold and lying in the middle of all the mucous.

After Snog-Dog and Cunty extricated themselves from the tiny room, they talked to Harry Trader about what happened.

“I had a sneaking suspicion that the mayor was up to something,” said Harry Trader, “the minute I saw him crushing up sleeping pills and putting them in all the pies. But you two were so furious in your battle, you couldn’t even hear me. And then everyone passed out. But luckily I brought my tracking shoes. I tracked the mayor into this bunker and slapped him with my sack just when he started to crush you.”

“Wow, Harry!” shouted Snog-Dog. “I never would have thought you’d do something so nice for me. I thought you were just a cruel trainer.”

“I work people hard,” said Harry Trader, “but it’s for your own good. All I ask in return is that you don’t sass me. And you never did sass me, even though I gave you a lot of chances. So in exchange for that, I will teach you the secret of controlling the sky.”

And that very day was when Snog-Dog learned his sky powers. Soon after that, he came to the attention of the Commandante, who drafted him to fight alongside Hardy and John Nightnight in Nicaragua, back when they were known as the Unbeatable Fight Masters.

“Wowee,” whistled Hardy. “What a story! And what ever happened to good old Cunty Pickles?”

“He was never seen again,” said Snog-Dog.

“Wowee,” said Hardy. “Three cheers for Snog-Dog and his wonderful tale!”

The Storm Fighters of Courage all cheered wildly for their friend. Snog-Dog blushed and laughed so hard he could barely eat his marshmallow sandwich.

“Stop cheering!” barked Hardy. “Who’s next?”

Next episode: The Tale of Lady Midnight

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Story of the Day: 3-14-11

Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 12: The Tale of Snog-Dog

The Storm Fighters of Courage sat around the fire in their pajamas, eating good food and drinking savory wine. Their near-fatal brush with death had left them in great spirits and ready to blow off some steam. Gradually the talk turned to how they were and what they’d done to become that.

“I don’t know about you guys,” said Hardy, “but I sure could use a tale.”

“Yes!” the rest all said. “Tale! Tale!” They continued chanting “tale” until Blowjob began to speak.

“Okay,” he said, “I will tell a tale. This is a tale that explains why we are called Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage and not Sargent Hardy and the Storm Fighters of Courage.”

“No!” Hardy complained. “We all know that tale. Let’s hear another one. Who wants to start?”

Snog-Dog raised his hand.

“Good!” Hardy said. “I would love to hear about Snog-Dog. So tell us, oh teller-of-tales, how it is you came to be how you are.”

The rest of the Storm Fighters of Courage settled in to hear a good tale. And Snog-Dog did not disappoint.

“When I was younger,” Snog-Dog began, “I loved to eat. It was my favorite thing to do. I ate all day, every day, all the time. I couldn’t get enough of it. Hand me some food, and you would find it gone … if not your fingers, too!”

“What did you eat?” asked Beans.

“Anything and everything,” Snog-Dog said. “I’d eat pork, waffles, burritos, watermelon, all of it. Everything there was, I would eat. But what I liked to eat most of all was pie.”

When he was twenty-one, Snog-Dog explained, he entered a pie-eating contest sponsored by a local circus impressario. It was the biggest event of the year in his town. Everyone was there to join in and watch the fun, especially the mayor.

Snog-Dog loved to eat, but he knew that loving to eat and eating to win were two different things. His main competition for the event was a local tough named Cunty Pickles. Snog-Dog hated Pickles because Pickles was the only person in town who could out-eat him. He knew he had to train well so that he could make Cunty Pickles look like a fool, so he hired the best coach money could buy: Harry Trader.

Trader was well-known in the world of competitive eating for his strict attention to discipline and his giant mucous sack that he would swing at people who sassed him. Snog-Dog was terrified of Trader, but he also knew there was no way he could win the contest and beat Cunty Pickles without Trader’s help. For some, it was like making a deal with the devil. But Snog-Dog didn’t care. All he wanted was to win that contest so he could finally beat Cunty Pickles at his own game and marry the mayor’s daughter, because that was the prize in the contest.

As the weeks wore on, it became steadily clearer to Snog-Dog that Harry Trader was a maniac. He would wake Snog-Dog up at the crack of dawn with a swing from his giant mucous sack. Still covered in mucous, he would have to eat twelve pies and then run for a million hours on a treadmill. All day, every day, until Snog-Dog was nothing but pie and bones.

But finally the day of the big contest arrived. The contestants took their seats at the pie-eating table. All around them, the people of the town sat in tiny Shriner’s cars, watching the action on the big screen that the mayor had erected in the middle of the town square to show footage of his penis in action. The silence was so quiet you could hear an invisible pin drop. Snog-Dog steeled his nerves, but inside he was quaking.

The mayor walked up to the podium and held his mayoral sash aloft.

“You see this, fuckers?” the mayor screamed. “You know what this shit means? It means I’m your fucking leader. Now I’ve heard all your complaints about how shitty our schools are and how we don’t have sewage and how I’m always breaking into your homes and fondling your pets. And believe me, I care. I really do. And I plan to change all that shit the minute I get back to my office. But today is not the time for politics. Today is the time to watch a bunch of fags eat some good-ass pie!”

The townspeople cheered and honked the horns on their Shriner’s cars in exultation. Looking out at the crowd, the mayor shed a tear of joy at how much of a difference he’d made in the community. Before he was elected, no one had a Shriner’s car. And now everyone did. He was the best thing that ever happened to these people, and almost nothing good ever happened to them.

“Settle down, settle down,” the Mayor said. “I know you love me, but we have business to take care of. The business of pie! The rules of the pie-eating contest are simple: eat a bunch of fucking pie. The one who eats the most in the time limit wins! And this year, there is a very special prize: my daughter’s hand in marriage, Llona! Llona, get the fuck up here, baby!”

Llona walked up to the podium and waved. The town gasped at how terrific she was. She was class queen and valedictorian and machine-gun killer all rolled into one beautiful, pert package. Everyone wanted to marry her, men and women included. But only one person could marry her, and that was the person who won the pie-eating contest.

Cunty Pickles looked at Snog-Dog.

“Good luck, Snog-Dog,” Pickles said sarcastically. “I bet you’ll eat a whole lot of pie.”

“And I bet you’ll eat a whole lot of shit,” said Snog-Dog.

“Silence!” the mayor shouted. “Now eat pie!”

The buzzer sounded and they were off. To no one’s surprise, Snog-Dog and Cunty were quickly in the lead. Snog-Dog began by chowing down an entire pecan pie in one gulp. Cunty countered by eating a blueberry pie through his nose. Then Snog-Dog mashed up two pies into a drinking cup and drank them! The other contestants could barely choke down a single slice. They weren’t prepared for this; no one could be. Only two people were, and it was between them.

The excitement of the moment whipped the crowd into a frenzy. All around the podium, townspeople clawed at each other in a Bacchanalian fervor, raining blood and viscera down upon the contestants. Most of the contestants were puking all over each other, but still Snog-Dog and Cunty Pickles kept at it. One pie became four became thirty, as the two eating champions stuffed pie after pie into their massive, gaping maws. On stage, the mayor masturbated furiously, shooting spunkload after spunkload into the faces of the adoring crowd.

When it was all over, and the final buzzer had sounded, only one man remained standing.

Next Episode: The Winner Is Revealed

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Story of the Day: 3-13-11

Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 11: Gatorscape!

Once Sargent Hardy saw all them gators, it was game-on time for real. If there was one thing Hardy knew how to do, it was how to get out of trouble through use of serious action.

“Storm Fighters!” he shouted. “Plebius Formation, stat!”

The Storm Fighters of Courage took their positions in the Plebius Formation, a special kind of fighting formation that had saved their butts on more than one occasion. Snog-Dog and Nightnight moved into place on the opposite poles of the circle, while Lady Midnight and Beans stood atop one another’s shoulders, forming an L shape. Hardy formed the base of the triangle, standing at a 45 degree angle while using his leg as a branch to hold up Blowjob. Behind them, the rest of the group swung from ropes like marionettes, pirouetting around their pivoting captain in an S shape.

Down below, the gators snapped their jaws in a hungry-like manner. As the platform descended into the moat, the Storm Fighters of Courage built up their thermodynamic energy, until sparks of electricity began shooting from their bodies. The Plebius Formation had begun, and it was proper.

“Blowjob!” Hardy commanded. “Mark three!”

On Hardy’s command, Blowjob used his strong forearms to rip a hole in the ground. The group swung their ropes into a P shape, then sent electricity traveling from their bodies to the ropes and into the hole. Beans clawed at the sky like an anxious badger, while Snog-Dog shot his sky powers all around them, forming a protective barrier. While all this was going on, Nightnight jumped down onto the stunned gators and began punching them in the face.

That was where Lady Midnight came in. Leaping from shoulder to shoulder, she created a vortex of propulsion that sucked the water into the air, reversing night and day. The power of the vortex was so strong that the platform leapt over the gators like a skipping stone, dragging Nightnight along with it. Finally, Hardy pulled out his gun and shot all those gators to death, as the group was flung into the farthest reaches of the cave, hundreds of feet from harm.

The Storm Fighters of Courage lay against the ground, battered and bruised from their action-packed adventure. It looked like everyone was dead. But slowly, they lifted one finger, and then the next. And finally they all brushed themselves up and wobbled to their feet, just glad to be alive. As the minutes wore on they started giggling, then laughing, and then they were all jumping up and down and high-fiving.

“Yeah!” shouted Hardy. “Talk about teamwork! That was great teamwork.”

“Did you see that?” they all asked each other. “We sure did!” they all said.

Once they’d talked about all the action they’d had, they settled down around a toasty fire. They were safe for now, but for how long, they didn’t know. One thing was for certain: they needed a good night’s sleep. But first, there was a fire. And where there is a fire, there is always one other thing: tales.

Next Episode: The Tale of Snog-Dog

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Story of the Day: 3-12-11

Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 10: What the Fuck?!?

“What the fuck?!?” asked Hardy, cradling the frozen infant in his hands. “How the fuck?!? Did you … how did you … I mean, what the fuck?!?”

“Elementary, my dear Mr. Hardy,” Mark Hazzard said over the loudspeaker. “As you will recall, some years ago, you and Jacky Minx had a torrid love affair. I loved Jacky Minx and I was incredibly jealous of the love you had for one another. I hated you so much. Every night when I was having sex with Jacky Minx all I could think about was how I would someday kill you.”

“You had sex with Jacky Minx every night?” Hardy asked.

“Yes,” Jacky Minx said over the loudspeaker. “But it was always you I loved, Sargeant Hardy!”

“Silence!” shouted Mark Hazzard. “This is not a discussion about who loved who more. Those were dark times and I think we can agree that we all loved each other and hated each other too.”

“Agreed,” said Jacky Minx.

“Agreed,” said Hardy.

“Did Mark Hazzard just imply that he and Sargeant Hardy were in love?” Beans whispered to Lady Midnight.

“My darling Beans,” Lady Midnight laughed. “So naive.”

“Someone’s getting in trouuubllllle,” whispered John Nightnight, conjuring chuckles from everyone except Beans, who suddenly felt totally out of the loop.

“Now I will continue what I was talking about,” said Hazzard. “One night, when my hatred was at its strongest, I surprised Jacky Minx with a surprise visit. She seemed quite nervous. I went into her bedroom to have sex with her while she went into the bathroom to freshen up. And as I laid down in the bed, I realized why she needed to get fresh: the mattress was soaking in Sargent Hardy’s man goo.”

“Gross,” said Beans, not even bothering to whisper.

“Yes!” Hazzard screamed. “It was gross! It was gross and it was demoralizing! But it was also a golden opportunity for me to inflict the kind of psychological pain on Hardy that he had been inflicting on me for all those months. So I scooped up all that man goo and put it on ice, with the knowledge that someday I would use it to humiliate Sargent Pat Hardy forever!”

“Gasp!” gasped Sargent Hardy.

“I’m still pretty confused,” said Beans.

“Don’t you see?” Professor Blowjob said. “The electronic legs I made for Mark Hazzard were the perfect incubator! He must have gotten some lady eggs and mixed the man goo up with them and made a leg baby! And then he kept the baby in cryogenic freeze for thirty years, until the day he could capture Hardy and show it to him, thus humiliating him in front of the entire world!”

“Precisely,” said Mark Hazzard.

“But the question of the day is,” said Blowjob, “if Hardy is the father … then who is the mother?”

“Who else?” Hazzard asked. “It is Jacky Minx!”

“I knew this had your fingerprints all over it, Minx!” Hardy screamed. “Your dna, too!” He looked down at the frozen life in his hands. “So young,” he said tenderly. “So cold.”

“As the only other woman here, I must say: shame on you Jacky Minx,” said Lady Midnight, walking into the middle of the cave so that everyone would look at her. “You have used your reproductive powers for evil. In all my years as a woman, I have never heard of such an egregious violation of the womanly code.”

“First of all, I had no idea what Hazzard was planning on doing with my eggs when I gave them to him,” Jacky Minx said. “If you’ll recall, he did not come out as evil until he had his face scarred in that vat of acid. I assumed he needed them for good and the American way. Second of all, you are fat and I hate you.”

“I’d rather be fat than the mother of a frozen baby!” Lady Midnight screamed.

Beans was still confused. “I’m still so confused,” he said. “How is creating a frozen leg baby supposed to humiliate Sargent Hardy? It just sounds cruel to the baby.”

“Stop being naive, Beans!” shouted Hardy. “There’s a war on! And this motherfucker is the enemy! He froze my baby and now he must die!”

“Stop!” yelled Jacky Minx over the loudspeaker. “This is no longer about you, Hardy! It’s about our baby, and how we can unfreeze it. I’m not here because I hate Lady Midnight, although I do and I hope she dies. I am here because the minute I found out about the baby, I rushed to Mark Hazzard and begged him to unfreeze her so that I could raise her to be a proper woman of affluence, like me. But he said the only way he would do that is if I helped him cause your ruination.”

“Well you better get to ruining,” Hardy said, “because I’m about at the end of my rope. And there is no way I’m going to let my daughter grow up in a deep freeze.”

“Ask and ye shall receive!” shouted Mark Hazzard.

A robot claw came down from the ceiling and plucked the baby out of Hardy’s hands. And then the floor began to sink into a moat full of alligators!

Next Episode: Gatorscape!

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Story of the Day: 3-11-11

Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 9: Hideaway Hijinx

The plane came to land in a peaty bog a half click northwest of the mountain’s flank. All around the plane were the rocks that formed the interior of the cave. There were big rocks and small rocks, rocks that resembled things and some that didn’t. Lady Midnight looked out the window and thought about how far she had come to end up in this place of so many rocks. It’s just another jam, she tried to tell herself. But she didn’t listen.

“It looks cold,” Beans said, bringing voice to Lady Midnight’s thoughts. “I didn’t dress properly.”

Lady Midnight looked down at her skimpy one-piece bathing suit and thought the same thing. Why do I wear this ridiculous costume? she thought. It’s completely devoid of function!

“Damn your thin hide,” Hardy said, grabbing Beans by the shoulders like a man. “Back in my army days we’d call that negaspeak. I’ve no room in my squadron for that kind of morale-deflating jibber-jabber. We’ve been in worse scrapes before, and we’ll be in worse scrapes again. What we need is to drop all this negaspeak and get our asses out in that cave, so we can start to figure out how the heck we’re going to get out of this mess. Now who’s with me?”

“We all are!” they all said, pumped up by Hardy’s good speech.

The troupe descended from the plane and into the dank cave. All around them the cave stretched on into darkness. There was nothing anywhere indicating that this was a fortress. And where had Mark Hazzard gone?

As if to answer that question, Mark Hazzard came on a loudspeaker that was hidden somewhere in the cave.

“Gentlemen!” Hazzard said. “And Lady Midnight. Welcome to the place where you are doomed to die!”

“Show yourself, Hazzard!” Hardy screamed.

“All in due time, my old friend,” said Hazzard. “But in the meantime, I implore you to make yourselves at home. If you search long enough, you may find a door. What lies behind that door will surprise you.”

“Got it,” said Snog-Dog. On top of his sky powers, Snog-Dog was an expert at finding doors.

“Go in,” said Mark Hazzard, “and begin your worst nightmare!”

“Wait!” Hardy shouted at Snog-Dog. “I think it might be a trap! Professor Blowjob, find out if there’s a trap behind the door!”

The Professor performed some calculations on the tablet computer he got from the Commandant. “Damn this fucking thing,” he said. “I might as well be using a slide rule for all the power this computer gives me. My computers could figure out these calculations instantaneously.”

“I’m so sick of hearing about your stupid computers!” shouted Beans. “This is no time for negaspeak!”

“Ha ha ha,” laughed Hardy. “We just might make a Storm Fighter of you yet, kid.”

Professor Blowjob glared at Beans, but said nothing. That impudent kid clearly knew nothing about how powerful computers are.

After a few minutes, Blowjob finished his calculations.

“According to my calculations, there is a 78% chance that there is a trap behind that door,” he said.

“Well, then that’s a chance we’ll have to take,” said Hardy. “Nightnight! Go in there!”

“Yes sir!” said Nightnight. He flung open the door and braced himself for action.

Behind the door was a room with tall ceilings and light pink walls. There was nothing in the room except for what was right at the center. And right at the center of the room was a crib. And inside the crib was a human baby.

Nightnight cautiously walked toward the baby while the rest of the team waited outside and fretted. Everyone wanted to know what they should do. But only Hardy was brave enough to talk about it.

“First, we need to find out if it’s a trap baby,” Hardy said. “Blowjob! Perform the calculations!”

“My calculations say that it is not a trap baby,” Blowjob responded, without even looking at his computer.

“You didn’t even do any calculations,” said Hardy. “I was watching you the whole time and you didn’t do a single calculation.”

“I did them in my head,” Blowjob answered.

“Very well,” said Hardy, “but if Nightnight dies from that baby, it’s your responsibility.”

“I would say it’s the Commandant’s responsibility for giving us these crappy tablet computers.”

While they argued, Nightnight took the baby out of the crib and brought it into the cave. Everyone else gathered around to look at the baby. It was a very cute baby, but it looked sad. Probably because it was frozen solid.

“What should we do?” Beans whispered.

“Let’s get some pie!” whispered back Snog-Dog. Everyone chuckled quietly at Snog-Dog’s clever use of his catchphrase. Everyone except Blowjob and Hardy, who were pummeling each other with fists of fury on the other side of the cave.

“We should probably teach him how to be a man,” Lady Midnight said. “Or a woman. It’s hard to tell with babies this young.”

“Yeah, but it’s frozen,” said Beans. “I don’t think frozen babies can learn.”

“There have been studies,” argued John Nightnight.

Finally Blowjob and Hardy punched each other so hard they couldn’t breathe, and then they joined the rest of the group.

“Holy cow!” shouted Hardy. “A frozen baby!”

Then Mark Hazzard got on the loudspeaker again.

“That’s right, Mr. Hardy,” said Hazzard. “And if you look closely, you may notice a resemblance … to yourself! My dear friend Mr. Hardy, allow me to introduce you to … your daughter!”

Next episode: What the Fuck?!?

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