Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage
Episode 15: The Tale of Professor Blowjob
Professor Blowjob stood up and moved to the center of the circle.
“You’re standing in the fire!” shouted Hardy.
Blowjob looked down at his pant legs. Fire was creeping up them. And that was when he felt the sting, like 10,000 hornets slapping him at once. He screamed and leapt out of the fire. Luckily, there was a spring right near the campsite. He jumped into the spring and his pants went out with a satisfying pfffssss.
“Phew!” Blowjob laughed, walking back up into the camp. “That was a close one!”
“And how,” said Beans. “If you had died, we never would have been able to hear your tale.”
“Too true, Beans,” said Blowjob. “For that is how death works. And now I would like to relate to you the tale of how I died, and saw the universe.”
“Ooooo,” they all said, because that had the makings of a very good tale indeed.
Professor Blowjob grabbed his tablet computer and set it close to the middle of the circle, but not so close that it would catch on fire. He pushed a button and the cosmos were displayed on the ceiling of the cave.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Blowjob said, “but while Midnight and Snog-Dog were telling their tales, I took the opportunity to design some multimedia content for my presentation.”
“No fair!” said Midnight. “You’re going to make my story look like an asshole!”
Everyone laughed, but they secretly knew Midnight was right. Blowjob had an irritating habit of making everyone around him look like they weren’t very smart or clever. He didn’t do it to be mean. He was just that fucking cool.
“The cosmos,” Blowjob began, “so infinite. So full of mystery. What is it, and how did it get that way? Nobody knows for sure. Except me. Because I have been there, all the way inside it and back again.”
The rest of the Storm Fighters of Courage settled in for what seemed like it would be a very long and heady presentation.
Professor Blowjob’s history with the Storm Fighters of Courage was not as neat as his CV suggested. He first encountered Hardy and the other members of the team in the ’80s when they were known as the Unbeatable Fight Masters. Back then, he was just a lowly clerk at a nuclear power plant in India. One day, while he was administering his clerking duties, he came across a fax that suggested the owners of the power plant were planning a nuclear assault on America. He didn’t have any love for America, but he knew if he disrupted the plans he might be able to rise above his lowly caste and become the kind of international thinker he always knew he could be.
His prayers were answered when he learned that the famous Sargent Hardy of the Unbeatable Fight Masters was coming to town to have sex with some prostitutes. He spent weeks learning about prostitutes and replicating their ways, and then he disguised himself as a prostitute and got a job at the Khalan Du Pussy Ranch where he knew Hardy would be staying.
The night that Hardy arrived Blowjob made himself extra-feminine by putting powders all over and shaving down anything nasty. Nervously, he waited in line as Hardy picked out the prostitutes he wanted. When Hardy looked over at Blowjob, Blowjob winked in a way that suggested he was ready for some very good action indeed. Maybe it was fate. Maybe it was something else. But whatever it was, Hardy whisked Blowjob away to the Muskrat Suite where he was determined to do some very beautiful lovemaking.
After they made love in a very dirty manner, Blowjob revealed that he was, in fact, a man. Hardy was upset at first but settled down after a nice cognac. That was when Blowjob learned that a good cognac can put any situation at ease, even when the situation is a man having sex with another man who he thought was a woman.
As soon as Hardy heard about the nuclear fiasco, he understood the necessity of Blowjob’s sexual subterfuge. Hardy decided to bring the rest of the Fight Masters into town and take the owners of the power plant apart bit by bloody bit. Then they made love again and Blowjob returned to the power plant to get everything ready for the big day when the Unbeatable Fight Masters would liberate him and the rest of the workers from the tyranny of unmitigated evil.
“Wait a minute!” shouted Hardy, back in the cave. “I know I had sex with you when you were a woman, but we didn’t do it a second time!”
“My mistake,” Blowjob said. He didn’t want to make Hardy look bad in front of the rest of the Storm Fighters, but in his heart he knew what had happened. He flipped past the picture in his presentation of he and Hardy making love, knowing that the emotions were too raw to be projected on the ceiling of a cave.
Back at the nuclear power plant, Blowjob got to work deciphering the codes the Americans would need to foil the evil plan. As he figured out the final code, however, a wave of nuclear power shot out of the centrifuge and killed him.
“And that was when I died,” Blowjob said gravely. The rest of the Storm Fighters hanged on his every work. Somebody burped, and everyone shushed that person.
Next episode: Blowjob Was Dead!