Story of the Day: 6-22-11


The Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 21: Back in Washington

“So is this what you do, then?”

The Commandant turned away from the window and flashed an impenetrable glance at the woman sitting on his bed. Nadine (or was it Jackie?) sat straight up, her back propped against the headboard, her naked legs resting neatly atop the covers like two chopsticks waiting to be split. She crossed her arms over her breasts in an attempt at discretion, but the beckoning look on her face told him all he needed to know. He loved this moment; the moment of unknowing.

With a wry smile, he grabbed his cigar from the ashtray on the nightstand and took a deep puff. The smoke filled his mouth, intensifying the licorice aftertaste of his morning bourbon. He lifted his glass and swirled the ice cubes around it with a satisfying clink. This may not be Heaven, he thought, but it sure as hell ain’t Hell.

“Yes,” the Commandant finally answered. “This is indeed what I do. And from the looks of it, it’s what you do, too.”

Nadine/Jackie relaxed her arms, exposing her brown nipples just enough to send the Commandant into a momentary state of arousal. Before she could notice, his steel-tight mind willed his erection away. In seduction, as in war, the adversary must never know how badly you want it.

“It’s not what I do,” Nadine/Jackie purred. “It’s who I am. Now drop those silly distractions and get into bed with me.”

The Commandant chuckled and took another puff of his cigar. She was a live one, all right. Assuming she could keep a secret, he might just have to invite her back.

A clicking on the parquet floor told him someone was trying to get his attention. He leaned down and fished around in his pants pocket until he found his phone. He checked the number – blocked. Whoever was calling better have something important to say. Anyone who knew the Commandant knew that when the scrunchie was on the doorknob, it was go time.

“This better be good,” the Commandant said into the phone.

“Maybe not as good as that little princess you’ve got in your bed right now,” the voice on the other end said. “Is she even legal, Commandant? I’ve seen more pubic hair on a potato.”

“She’s legal, but she’s clean,” the Commandant answered. “Now I just have two questions for you: who the fuck is this and how do you want to die?”

The voice laughed. “Who the fuck am I?” he said. “I’ll give you two guesses.” There was a rustling on the other end of the phone. “Say it!” the voice screamed at someone else in the room. “Let’s get some pie!” the responding voice wailed faintly.

“Snog-Dog?” the Commandant asked.

“Guess again,” the voice replied.

And in a flash, it hit him, reaching through the phone and into his memories like the electric fingers of a thunderstorm. It was a voice he thought he’d never hear again, a voice he thought was locked up deep in the asshole of a psych ward in San Quentin. A voice at once strange and compelling, engaging yet reptilian. It was a voice the Commandant barely remembered and a voice he could never forget.

“Fucking Hazzard,” the Commandant whispered.

“Not just Hazzard,” the voice answered. “Mark Hazzard. And if you ever want to see your little vanity army alive again, I need money.”

“How much?” the Commandant asked.

“$300 million should do the trick,” Mark Hazzard replied in a lolling drawl. “Oh, it shouldn’t be that hard. I’m sure you know people.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” the Commandant barked. “They’re a bunch of geriatrics! Go fuck yourself and stop wasting my time with this bullshit.”

And with that, the Commandant hung up the phone and had himself a well-deserved breakfast of pussy pie.

Next episode: Meanwhile, Back in the Cave

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Story of the Day: 6-21-11


The Storm Fighters of Courage

Writer’s Note: In preparation for the eventual printed version of this book, the series shall henceforward be known as simply “The Storm Fighters of Courage.” Sorry, Professor Blowjob. This is a team effort now.

Episode 20: More Information about the Crystal Palace

The room they were in was the most beautiful place any of them had ever seen. Covering the room were crystals of all shapes and sizes. There were big crystals, little crystals, medium-sized crystals, and everything in between. On the walls, the ceiling, the floor, and everywhere. It was quite a nice change from the dark cave rooms where they’d spent much of the last day.

“Ppphe-whhee,” whistled Beans. He had never really learned how to whistle, which usually brought him great shame, but didn’t right now for whatever reason. “A guy could make a lot of bread with a room like this.”

“Yeah,” said Lady Midnight. “A lot of crystals, too.”

“This is all well and good,” interrupted John Nightnight, “but where is Snog-Dog?”

“Hey you fucker!” Lady Midnight exploded. “We just used our only life computer to bring you back from the dead! I’d expect a little more gratitude!”

“I have news for you, Lady Midnight,” Professor Blowjob said. “There is no such thing as a life computer. The magic was inside John Nightnight all along.”

As the Storm Fighters of Courage struggled to think about how that could make any sense, they were suddenly surrounded by the face of Mark Hazzard. The only thing Professor Blowjob could figure was that there was a projector somewhere in the cave. And when the picture was projected, it bounced off the crystals and refracterated all around them scientifically, so it seemed like they were inside Mark Hazzard’s head. A very scary place to be, indeed.

“I expected you would find your way to the Crystal Palace,” began Mark Hazzard. “This is my favorite room, where I go to think. And now I’m going to give you something to think about. Not only do I have Sgt. Hardy’s baby, but I now also have your friend Snog-Dog!”

The projection zoomed out to show Snog-Dog, blindfolded and strapped to a dangerous-looking wall. Jacky Minx stood next to him, poking him in the ribs with her long fingernails.

“Help, Sgt. Hardy!” Snog-Dog shouted. “My sky powers have been disabled by a powerful beam! I need you to rescue me!”

“Don’t you worry, old buddy!” Sgt. Hardy shouted. “We’re on our way!”

“We are?” Beans whispered under his breath to Lady Midnight. Lady Midnight shrugged.

“The clock is ticking, Sgt. Hardy,” said Mark Hazzard. And then the picture disappeared.

“I don’t believe in clocks!” shouted Sgt. Hardy, but Mark Hazzard was gone.

Whatever exhilaration the Storm Fighters had felt from surviving the monster attack was now gone. They didn’t know where to go next, especially without Snog-Dog around to help them find hidden doors. They could only hope that back in Washington, the Commandant was getting worried.

Next episode: Back in Washington

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Story of the Day: 5-13-11


Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 19: Inside the Crystal Palace

The Storm Fighters tumbled down, down, down, for what seemed like forever, and then they came to land on a soft plot of what felt like grass. They all jumped up and slapped high-five because they weren’t dead. Everyone except John Nightnight, who was dead.

Hardy wasn’t the kind of guy to mess around when one of his men was in trouble. He sank to his knees and started punching Nightnight in the chest in a highly medical fashion. “Wake up, you motherfucker!” he screamed. “You’re not gonna die on my watch, you hear me? Not here, not in a cave! Never again! Never … again!”

Hardy thought back to the last time he watched someone die in a cave. It was back in the days when he and Mark Hazzard used to pal around together, before they were ripped apart by Jacky Minx and Mark Hazzard’s insanity. They were leading a mission of guys in Portugal, looking for the lost dinosaur lake, when they fell into a big cave in the ground. Only one guy in the government knew they were on the mission and he didn’t even bother to look for them because he thought they were just kidding.

They explored that cave for 3 months, looking for an exit. It was Mark Hazzard, Sargent Hardy, John Nightnight, and another guy they used to roll with named The Night Hobo. They got dangerously skinny because all they had to eat was cave spiders and bat guano. Finally, the Night Hobo couldn’t take it anymore. He went crazy and tried to kill the rest of them with an icicle. They fought back, and a fierce battle lit up the cave. Everyone who lived in the cave came to watch — including a dragon. The dragon sprayed fire all over the place. Most of the adventurers managed to get out of the way of the fire — everyone except for the Night Hobo. He got burnt all over, but not enough to die … just enough to be really ugly and sound scary when he breathed.

The Night Hobo stayed alive for almost twelve days after that. It was gruesome to watch and awful to listen to. Finally, they found an exit to the cave. But as soon as the Night Hobo saw the light, his face exploded — it was too much for his brittle mind and fragile body to take. All that was left was a bunch of burnt body parts and a jawbone, which Sargent Hardy kept as a toothbrush holder in honor of his lost friend.

“I’ve already got a toothbrush holder, you bastard!” Hardy wailed, continuing to punch John Nightnight.

“Stop all that punching!” shouted Professor Blowjob. “I don’t think it’s working! But I have something that could work. I have a life computer that I kept secreted away in my pocket for just this instance! What you do is you put it on someone’s tongue, and it saves his life using data. But we can only use it once. So we need to decide between us if John Nightnight’s life is worth saving, or if we should hang on to the medical computer for another instance. Like if one of us dies instead.”

They all had to think long and hard about that one. Beans reminded his companions that John Nightnight hadn’t shared a tale with them the night before. They all agreed that wasn’t really the action of a team player. Lady Midnight noted that John Nightnight had once asked her to a pancake dinner in a very suggestive manner. They were all protective of Lady Midnight’s honor, so that was one more point against him.

Finally, though, it was up to Hardy to talk some sense into his team.

“You look like a bunch of damn apes,” Hardy growled, “the way you’re picking at those nits. This is our team member. He’s one of my oldest friends, and he would never hesitate to save your lives, even if it meant getting all of his clothes wet and garbage all over his face. If you don’t give him that life computer, Blowjob, then I don’t even know what for anymore. And that’s an order.”

The remaining Storm Fighters broke into tears at Hardy’s moving speech. They took a good, hard look at themselves inside and found their thoughts to be unclean. But after Hardy spoke to them with sense, they apologized and realized that they were all for one, and one for all. They agreed that John Nightnight was as important as any of them, even though he hadn’t shared a story and to everyone’s recollection he hadn’t been much help in any of their adventures to date.

Professor Blowjob put the life computer under Nightnight’s tongue and forced him to swallow it by moving his jaw up and down. There was a loud sound that was like a fart, and then Nightnight came back to life. Everyone applauded and clapped him on the back.

“Where am I?” Nightnight asked.

“That’s a good question,” Hardy said. “Where are we all?”

They finally looked around themselves and realized they were inside a crystal palace!

Next episode: More Information about the Crystal Palace

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Story of the Day: 5-10-11


Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 18: Escape from the Cave Monster

When the adventurers awoke the next morning, it wasn’t even the morning. It was the late afternoon, and they were feeling punchy because of their hangovers and because of being in a scary cave. After dragging themselves out of their sleep sacks and waking up with some good, strong coffee, Hardy led a roll call to make sure everyone was still there.

“Do we really need a roll call?” asked Blowjob. “There are only six of us. I am looking around the circle right now and I can see that everyone is here.”

“Maybe that’s how they do things in China,” said Hardy, “but here in my America we do a roll call.”

“Fine,” said Blowjob, “it’s your funeral.”

“One man’s funeral is another man’s pie,” remarked Snog-Dog sagely.

Hardy smiled. “Spoken like a true team player,” he said, patting Snog-Dog on the back. “Now let’s do the roll. Lady Midnight!”

“Here!”

“John Nightnight!”

“Present!”

“Beans!”

“You’re welcome!”

“Ha ha ha, good one, Beans. Professor Blowjob!”

“Fine.”

“Snog-Dog!”

“. . .”

“I said, ‘Snog-Dog!'”

“. . .”

And then Hardy looked up from his clipboard to see that Snog-Dog had disappeared!

“You see, Blowjob?” Hardy asked. “If we hadn’t done a roll call, we would have had no idea that Snog-Dog was missing!”

“But he was here just before you started the roll call,” said Blowjob. “Remember? He said the thing about how funerals were like pie. In fact, it is logical to assume that the roll call is the very reason we stopped paying attention long enough for one of us to disappear.”

“No one cares about your stupid logic!” shouted Hardy. “Snog-Dog is missing! And if one of us is missing, then all of us are missing! Now let’s get up off our asses and find that Storm Fighter!”

“Yeah!” they all shouted, except for Blowjob, who was still feeling a little sore about the roll call argument. Nonetheless, he was a Storm Fighter of Courage to the death, and so he made his way deeper into the cave like all the rest of them.

They walked on into the cave for what seemed like forever and then they took a pee break and then they kept walking. Darker and darker and deeper and deeper it got, until the only thing they could see was darkness and deep. When it got too dark to see anything anymore, they tied ropes around their waists and crawled. They all held hands as they inched along the craggy ground, Hardy in front, Beans bringing up the rear. Their hands got scraped and their knees bled, but still they inched along, anxious to fight for their missing friend.

Suddenly, they heard a growling that sounded like a beast no one had ever heard before!

“Do you hear that?” whispered Lady Midnight. “I think there’s something freaky in this cave … and it sounds hungry!”

“That must be what got Snog-Dog!” shouted John Nightnight. “And now it’s getting us!”

Hardy set out his hand to keep crawling and realized that there was nothing beneath his hand but pure air. Then he looked down and the ground dropped away forever.

“Look out, you guys!” Hardy shouted. “There’s no more floor!”

They all stopped crawling and took a deep breath. No one told them this mission was going to test the limits of their fear. But that was what you got when you signed up to be a Storm Fighter of Courage: a lot of chances to be courageous. This was no different. In fact, it was almost exactly the same.

The growling got louder. They all looked down as a giant light began emanating from the murky depths of the bottomless cave.

“Uh oh, you guys,” said Nightnight. “I don’t like the way this looks one bit. Crawl back for your lives!”

The gang turned around and started crawling like they’d never crawled before. Beans was in the lead now, and he was a wise and fearless leader. They crawled straight back, the light behind them growing ever-brighter and the growling becoming ever growlier. Now that there was light, they could see that the cavern they were in was quite vast, and there was really no reason for them to have spent so much time crawling. So Beans made the wise and fearless decision to stand up and start running.

The rest of the gang followed suit, except for Nightnight, who wasn’t able to get up fast enough. Luckily, they still had the ropes attached to their waists, so as they ran they dragged Nightnight along behind them. It hurt, but Nightnight didn’t complain because he knew he was lucky to be alive. Also, his mouth was full of rocks and dirt.

Just as it seemed like the thing would overtake them, Beans saw an opening in the wall of the cave. He didn’t know where it led to, but he knew wherever it was, it had to be better than wherever they were now. So he leapt, and as he leapt, everyone else leapt with him, except for Nightnight, who flopped along behind them, probably dead. As they soared through the opening, the growling light whipped past them, and they could see it was a horrible giant flying cave insect! They escaped … but just barely!

Next Episode: Inside the Crystal Palace

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Story of the Day: 4-15-11


Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 17: The Tale of Beans

“Well, okay, um,” began Beans. He cleared his throat. “Well, I guess there’s not much to tell, really.”

“BOR-ING,” said Professor Blowjob.

“Will you shut up?” Lady Midnight asked. “I want to hear this. Go on, Beansie. We love you.”

“Well, okay,” Beans said. “Let’s see … I’m from Michigan. Flint originally … or, not really Flint, but a town near Flint, sort of a suburb of Flint … dad worked at the factory, mom was a teacher. I liked school okay, I guess, didn’t really love it. Did a lot of hunting and fishing, that was fun. Let’s see … oh! We moved when I was like twelve to Atlanta … that was all right. Left a lot of friends behind, but, you know, so it goes. Um … what else … made All-State Baseball my senior year … kidnapped by aliens … went to school at Penn State, I was in ROTC … then into the Army and, well, here I am, I guess. Boring old Beans.”

“What was that middle part?” John Nightnight asked.

“Moved to Atlanta?” Beans asked.

“No, the part after that. After baseball.”

“Kidnapped by aliens? Yeah, I guess it runs in the family. One of those things, you know.”

“Shut up, all of you!” shouted Blowjob, losing his patience. He turned to Beans. “You ignorant little prick,” he said firmly. “Here you are, wasting our time with your stupid personal bullshit, when the real story is staring you in the face all along! No one gives a shit that you played baseball! The part about the aliens, that’s the fucking tale! Where’d you learn to tell stories, at retard camp?”

“Geez,” Beans said. “You don’t have to get all bent out of shape about it.”

“I’m sorry, Beans,” Blowjob said. “It’s just that … fuck! How could anyone not recognize the aliens were the most interesting part?”

“Maybe I don’t have a giant brain like you,” Beans shouted. “Maybe I don’t need to whittle the events of my life down into neat little stories I can tell people to make myself feel interesting, you ever think about that? Jeez-o-peets, professor, from the moment I met you, you’ve been on my case! I try to be a good guy, I really do, it’s just … ” Beans started crying.

“Now look what you did!” Lady Midnight scolded Blowjob. “Why do you always have to go and screw everything up with your stupid head games?”

The rest of the Storm Fighters of Courage booed Blowjob so badly that he thought his head was going to explode.

“Boo yourselves!” Blowjob screamed. “Boo your goddamned selves!”

Then all was quiet, and Beans resumed his tale.

“Yeah, well, it’s sort of been happening ever since I was a little boy. Every couple of weeks, they just pick me up, you know, take a look at me, make sure I’m doing all right. They track me using this.”

He lifted his foot out of his slipper to reveal a giant, blue, electronic-looking thing embedded in his heel.

“I wouldn’t mind analyzing that back at my lab,” noted Professor Blowjob.

“Why don’t you analyze my dick in your face?” asked Beans.

“Ha ha,” everyone else said. “Good one, Beans! High five.” They high-fived him, and Beans knew he’d finally beaten Blowjob at his own game.

“So what are aliens like?” asked Lady Midnight.

“Oh, they’re good old boys,” said Beans. “They’ve got crab claws and faces that look like someone punched them in the diarrhea, but they’ve always been real nice to me. They’re always making sure I’ve got lots of snacks to eat and magazines to read while they’re examining me.”

“And what happens in these … exams?” asked Blowjob, suspiciously.

“Oh, the usual. They touch my privates, make me play secret games. That sort of stuff.”

“Are you sure you’re not just being molested?” asked Blowjob.

Beans thought long and hard.

“Nope,” he finally said. “Pretty sure that’s not it.”

A deathly silence fell over the camp. And then all the adventurers exploded into cheers and whistles. “Hooray for Beans!” they shouted. “His story is the best of them all!” Even Blowjob shed a tear at how wonderful a story it was.

Drunk and exhausted from their storytelling fun, the Storm Fighters of Courage settled down before the fire for a good night’s sleep. It would be the best night’s sleep many of them had ever had. Because even though they all knew they would probably die in that cave, they had finally found the family they had been searching for their entire lives. And also, they were very, very drunk.

Next Episode: Escape from the Cave Monster

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The Story of My Broken Hand


It is a sad day when a man has to admit defeat. I started out this year with the full intention of writing one story every day. And then I broke my hand. Right now I am typing this by using a pencil end to substitute for my right hand. I’m getting quite good at it, but after spending the entire day writing freelance video game ideas, the last thing I want to do is more hunting and pecking. So I am going on temporary hiatus. But I will be back, as will Professor Blowjob and his fine adventures.

In the meantime, I have 77 stories already written, and I can guarantee most of you turkeys haven’t read all of them. I’ve already written the best book you’ve read this year. Please take some time to revisit the stories and send your favorites to your loved ones. Every time you tweet me, my hand gets a little bit better. Thankees! I love you!

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Story of the Day: 3-18-11


Professor Blowjob and the Storm Fighters of Courage

Episode 16: Blowjob Was Dead!

The Storm Fighters of Courage stared at the ceiling in awe. At this point in his presentation, Blowjob had projected a picture of the cosmos that no one had ever seen before. No one had ever seen it because it was a picture Blowjob took when he was dead. People die all the time, but no one usually thinks to take a camera.

“Dying is unlike anything I’d ever experienced before,” Blowjob said. He spoke slowly and quietly, because his story demanded extra gravitas. The other Storm Fighters understood and tried to breathe only when it was absolutely necessary.

“They say all that stuff about the light,” Blowjob said. “But I don’t think that’s accurate. When I died, I didn’t see a light. I saw darkness. And in the darkness was monsters.”

The Storm Fighters gasped, because the thought of death monsters is the scariest thought of them all.

“No, no,” Blowjob said. “Don’t be alarmed. The monsters were not scary. They were good monsters, fuzzy monsters. But still, I was scared.

“The first thing that happened was a monster reached out to me. At first, I rejected him. ‘No way, monster!’ I shouted, and punched him with my fist. But then he started crying and I felt bad. ‘I just want to be your friend,’ he cried, and I realized he was good and true. I told him that I had never encountered monsters before and all this was very strange to me. He said he understood and that he would probably punch a monster too if he saw one when he wasn’t expecting.

“I soon came to trust him and to look around at where I was. It was a very different place than I’d expected. Once my eyes became accustomed to the darkness, I realized that I was in a palace filled with dark fruits. I walked around a bit, just to make sure that I could. And once I figured out that much, I started to test the limits of what it means to be human.

“The first thing I did was try to walk up a wall. That was easy. So then I tried to flip myself horizontally. That was easy, too. So then I did everything that you ever wanted to do with your body. I laughed and laughed and my monster companion laughed too, because he had been watching dead people for eternity and was very happy every time one of them took full advantage of the situation.

“Eventually I realized that there was only so much one could do in a body in a place. So I asked the monster if I could be allowed a glimpse of whatever was outside of the place where we were. He was hesitant to show me because he thought it might blow my mind too much and I would have to spend the rest of eternity in a stupid state of mind. But then I showed him how awesome my brain was and he decided I could do anything I put my heart to.

“So he took me out into the universe outside of the place. At first, it was scary. But then I freed myself and I saw the entire cosmos, as it was. The cosmos are amazing; it’s like everything you thought could be but didn’t think could really be. All of that, was. And I sucked in a deep breath and let the universe surround me. And once everything had settled down and I saw what the universe had to offer, I finally understood what life is about and what we’re meant to do.”

The Storm Fighters of Courage stared at Professor Blowjob. They saw him in a new light, now that they knew how much he’d been through. Some of them were afraid to talk. The gravity of the moment seemed to demand silence. But finally one of them knew he had to ask. And that one of them was Beans.

“So what are we meant to do?” asked Beans.

Blowjob smiled wearily. “We’re meant to be true to ourselves,” he said. “And to always fight for the American way. That is what the universe told me, and that is what I have done ever since.”

All the Storm Fighters jumped to their feet and screamed about what a great story Blowjob had told them. Then they asked how he came back to life.

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Blowjob said. “The nuclear power that shocked me dead hit me again and shocked me back to life. The next day, Hardy and the rest of the Unbeatable Fight Masters came in to town and destroyed all of my bosses. They asked me if I would join them, and I did.

“But I always knew I was different. And so for the rest of my life, I ran from my destiny. I helped out with adventures, and then I would disappear. I would buy a new base where Hardy and the rest of the team couldn’t find me, and then I would wait for them to find me. It was a never-ending series of tricks, but now the tricks have come to an end. I am a Storm Fighter of Courage, through and through. And if you don’t believe me, you can go take an egg and suck it.”

The Storm Fighters of Courage clapped slowly, then faster and faster, until they were all clapping and cheering. Everyone cried a little bit because of how beautiful Blowjob’s story was. But they weren’t done. They needed more stories. And there were only two people left to tell them: John Nightnight and Beans.

“Let us have one final story before the night overtakes us,” proclaimed Hardy. “And let that story be about the least known member of the group: MC Beans!”

“What about John Nightnight?” Beans protested. “We haven’t heard about him yet.”

“I’m just some guy,” said Nightnight. “I want to hear your story!”

Everyone cheered until Beans couldn’t resist any longer. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll tell my story. But I warn you: it’s not very interesting.”

“One man’s interesting is another man’s go-fuck-yourself!” shouted Hardy. “Let’s get some Beans up in this piece!”

Everyone screamed and shouted until Beans was ready to deliver the goods.

Next episode: The Tale of Beans

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